All my life I’ve been sad…
That’s not to say I’m not a functional human being – it just says that I’m more sensitive and “feel” more than (I think) the average person does…
This summer was in my opinion a complete wash.
Seriously, I feel like I was cheated out of a summer of my life. I take full responsibility, but there were also circumstances that were beyond my control.
My lovely girl Cali had a “lumpy bumpy” that she didn’t have when I left home in June. In August I took her to a vet in Lincoln City, Oregon. The needle aspiration showed that it wasn’t another fatty tumor (she has others), and somehow I knew it was something bad. The vet removed the tumor surgically, and the pathology report confirmed the bad news. It was a malignant (stage 3) soft tissue sarcoma.
The surgery completely excised the tumor, but the clean edges were “tight.” The vet basically read my mind, and I opted for a second surgery to widen the “clean” edges.
Cali will be thirteen next month.
As I type this, I’m pressing at my eyes fighting the tears. I know that Cali won’t live forever (everything dies), but I need her for a while longer. Either this sounds terribly pathetic, or painfully real – but I NEED her. I think only dog lovers understand, but she’s been a comforting and stabilizing force in my life.
I lost my first “real dog of my own” to canine kidney disease. I never thought I’d let another dog into my home, let alone into my heart. However, after visiting the local humane society many times there was a litter of puppies. I saw Cali, and picked her up. She sighed and fell asleep in my hands.
I knew she was “the one.”
There are things I could say on this blog about my birth, growing up, and my life now. Some of those things are so very personal and the average person wouldn’t understand. Let me just say that in some very significant ways I feel I was born under a dark cloud and never expect to be truly happy or “normal.” I’m not being melodramatic when I say this – it’s just the way it is…
I learned a harsh lesson this summer…
A person I trusted and thought to be my friend showed her true colors to me this summer. I had always tried to be helpful to her by assisting her with computer issues, etc… She would always sign her e-mails to me, “Love, me and the mutt.”
While at a gathering this summer she asked me to help her with a computer related issue. As I sat beside her with her laptop, I could see her e-mails. I didn’t go “snooping.”
However, I was horrified when I saw an e-mail she had written to another RV group member that included some pretty disparaging comments about me. I didn’t react immediately. I helped her with her issue, and she invited me for a Bloody Mary and a game of Scrabble.
I confronted her about the e-mail.
Her response was that “No one likes you in the XXX group.” I was so hurt and told her that I didn’t care a “Flying F*ck” who liked me and left. I cried. I cried because someone who I had helped numerous times and thought to be my friend actually didn’t care a flip about me. I cried because I had been so stupid and trusted this individual.
It doesn’t end there…
There was a gathering of the XYZ RV Club later that summer. There was a limit of seventy individuals that could attend, and I turned in my intention and was told the gathering was full. I can’t say for sure, but I strongly suspect that this person’s “influence” kept me from attending. I even said that I would park at another location and just come over for the evening meeting, but she apparently made sure I was “denied.”
We all want to be liked, but at what cost?
When all is said and done it’s really fine. I don’t want to be around hateful people who have nothing else to do but “be hateful.” In the past, I would have tried to “get even,” but God/Karma/Universe will eventually settle the debt. I can’t say that I didn’t cry and was deeply hurt, but I can’t be a hateful person.
What is true…
There are hateful and even evil people in the world. They may have their “heyday” for the time being, but eventually God/Karma/Universe will catch up to them. Seriously, it’s not my battle.
Am I always “loveable?” Probably not, since I’m human with all of the failings of other humans. However, am I a caring and sensitive person? I’m not always perfect but my heart is in the right place. Sometimes I fail, but I always try to “make it right.”