Oct01
Magical Thinking
Sometimes, I wonder where faith comes from. I’m not actually referring to faith in God or a higher being – just faith in the scheme of life. One of my brothers is a self proclaimed atheist. Me – not so much and frequently “sitting on the fence.”
Recently hearing about my twelve year old nephew J. has troubled me. He’s just a kid and he has stage 3 lymphoma. From what I hear, if anyone can beat it – he can. His father, my brother T. was just six when we lost my father after a five year struggle. T. was “just a baby” when my father became ill, but watching my father decline is forever etched upon my memory and I’m sure my other siblings as well. The experience was devastating for our family on so many levels.
At the height of my father’s illness, I began to wonder what it would be like without him. I’m sure that I wasn’t alone in my thoughts – it’s just that they were non-verbalized in a family who was “guarded.” My mother was consumed in caring for my father (as she should have been), and seven children were often left “on their own.” My father abandoned us due to his illness, and in turn my mother did the same to care for her husband.
It seems that almost immediately after I had that “thought” the phone rang in the middle of the night with the news that my father had passed away. I was horrified thinking that my “thoughts” had killed my father. I was numb and “zombie-like” through the whole funeral – hiding away from the room my father was in and unable to cry. Many years and a few therapists later I learned about “magical thinking.” I worshiped my father and still at times miss him terribly. I can’t help to wonder how my life would be today if I hadn’t lost him. As a result, I believe our family “splintered.”
Years have passed and now we’re all adults with lives of our own. Many of us are living far away from our birthplace of Indianapolis. I can’t speak collectively, but for me I wanted to leave part of the sadness behind and start anew. Was I successful? Yes and no. Your “life” follows you wherever you go. My brothers and sister are all so different. The challenge is to find the common thread that binds us together.
At the moment that “thread” is J. Don’t you dare go anywhere J., you don’t know what you’ve started…
Finding peace with all this has to be a long path. I wish you patience and perservance as you travel along it.
That’s a tough situation. I wish I had some words of wisdom to pass on but I’ve always felt helpless with this kind of thing myself. It is a shame that it takes adversity sometimes to shake us up and change our thinking. I suppose we should be thankful that it happens at all.
Losing a parent you’re close to is a very difficult thing. The rawness everntually goes away, but the longing for them never does. Here’s hoping J wins his fight and that it isn’t too difficult for him. Life should be more fair.
You are so right, life does follow you wherever you go, but that is a good thing too!
I’m sorry this situation is so tough right now. Just remember that you have friends, OK?
You might think you’ve left something behind but that never seems to really be the case. The past has a way of popping up when you least expect it. I’m not sure what else to say, I’d give you a hug if I could.
Faith is 100% believing in something we cannot see or grasp.