Desert Diva

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Are you usually late, early or right on time?

• Work:  Right on time,  Fun:  A little early – don’t want to miss out, Church:  Always late – I think it’s a little battle I’m having with God…

What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or to tell them that you do not love them back?

• Both – love is one of the most misunderstood and overused word in the English language…

Which would you rather have: a high salary or job satisfaction?

• How about just being paid (and treated) fairly for what you do – no matter what it is…

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What is the first thing you notice about people?

• Eyes – always…

What song always makes you happy when you hear it?

• Learning to Fly – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

What fashion trend do you just not get?

• Nose rings – just because of the “inconvenience” of when you have to blow your nose, etc…

It’s a run-of-the-mill Tuesday in mid-August here in Southern New Mexico.  It’s h-o-t and we’re into the first week of school.  Dreams of the Oregon coast are fading quickly, and it’s “back to reality.”  Not to say I’m complaining – I have a job, a house, and a wild terrier-mix who greets me every evening at the door upon my arrival home.

Last night I puttered around putting the new memory foam pad on my bed and putting on my new “buttery soft” 400 thread-count satineen sheets.  The Deepak Chopra meditation CD that I had ordered arrived in my mailbox today, and after this post I’ll listen to it under the glow of my Yankee lavender herb candle.  However, I don’t know if Dr. Chopra would approve of my pre-meditation glass of red wine but what he doesn’t know won’t affect him…

Somehow I can’t seem to “catch up.”  I’m amiss at commenting on blogs, returning e-mails, and thank you notes for blogging awards.  I promise to catch up and “do better.”  Even my WordPress dashboard is tugging at me saying:  “WordPress 2.3.4 is available!  Please update now.” However, I’m sad to say that the automatic update feature is a piece of crap, useless, wonky and I haven’t been able to update.  Somehow, I’m just not up to contacting my blog host and trying to understand someone in Timbuktu speaking unrecognizable English to investigate the problem.

Bear with me, I have a lot on my mind (and on my plate) at the moment.  I “blab” enough about my personal life (maybe a little too much) on this blog, and I won’t bore you all with the “gory” details.  Don’t worry, I’m fine – I’m just on my “growing edge” at the moment.

Tonight I was clearing off some “clutter” when I came across a card.  Upon closer inspection, I realized that it was an insert from a floral delivery when I had my second wrist surgery in April.

A big hug from ****.  You are in my mind and all will be fine.  Love, ****

At first I felt sad.  How does love just “dissolve?”  Why was I “lovable” then and/or when did I cease to be so?  The truth of the matter is the words on the card were just that – words.  It’s easy to say “I love you,” but difficult to love in the true sense of the word.  Love is so much more than words – it’s caring, communication, dedication, respect, and at times sacrifice.    So, I didn’t have love – I just had “words.”  The note is now disposed of, and the words are now just a faded memory.

The next time someone says “I love you” I’m going to say, “Don’t tell me – show me.”  In that way, I’ll know if someone is just doing “lip service” or if I can trust the words.   Now you have my “growing edge/learning curve” for the evening.

Conversely, “love” is all around me – or at least loving thoughts.   Recent comments from “mysterious”  Darrell have touched me deeply, and my friend Steven contacts me often – just to talk and see how I am.  Also, my “posse” of frequent “blogging chicks” brighten my day.  You know who you are and I’m so thankful for you all.

I may not have everything I want, but I have everything I need…

Thirty-seven years ago wearing a simple white dress with a “Juliette” cap and veil I was married in a candlelight ceremony in the Roman Catholic church.  It was a relatively small wedding, and my mother chose not to attend.  A few years later I divorced.  What did I know about “love” then?  Well, not much.  However, I often reflect on what I know of love now.  The simple answer is – a little more, but not significantly more.

The evening I was married, the clouds were dark and it rained – much like the feeling of darkness from this photo of Shiprock.  I realize now that I married for “some” of the wrong reasons.  I wanted a sense of family, a home to truly call my own, and the false sense of security of “belonging.”  God (and T.S.) forgive me, but I was young and naive.   I won’t go into details, but it all turned “ugly” eventually and ended in bad feelings and a subsequent divorce.   However, for a significant time I felt important, loved, and valued.

Fast forward from 1974 to 2009.  Significant relationships, but none so far to the point where I’m willing to give up my identity.  However, I still hold to the simple ideal of my late father that there is a “Jack for every Jenny.”  And it doesn’t have to be a “Jack for Jenny”, it may be a “Jack for Jack” or a “Jenny for Jenny.”  I truly believe that love knows no “boundaries.”

So, I’m “practicing.”  I’ve had my heart trampled on a couple of times, and vice versa.  Someday, somehow I hope that I’ll learn what “true love” really is and all that goes with it.  Until then, I need to be patient, hope, and wait.

I place my trust into the hands of God…   For once, don’t “read and run” – I could use a little “support.”

Sunday should always be a “day of peace” in my opinion – a “do what you want to do” day.  I started out well.  I got myself up and going and attended church at St. James.  Yes, I’m still an Episcopalian (or as some say “Catholic Light”).  I actually listened to the sermon (and extracted that point that it’s OK to get angry, but not to harbor anger) and was helpful to a woman who sat next to me and couldn’t find her way through the Book of Common Prayer.   I’m glad I made the effort – and I hope God was too…

Afterward, I thought I’d mosey on to El Paso – a little shopping, lunch, and a trip to the health food store.  First stop  – Marshalls where I found a very cute pair of black Born sandals AND a pair of red Timberland Mary Jane “kicks” for a combined price of $40.00.  My “happy meter” was on and running! 

However, I broke the cardinal rule of shopping in El Paso and decided to go to the Cielo Vista Mall.  Not only is Sunday the day that many people from El Paso and Las Cruces go shopping, it’s also the day that a zillion people from Ciudad Juárez cross the border to shop.  I’d say almost 1/3 of the cars in the mall lot had Chihuahua license plates.

I’m driving around the packed parking lot, trying to find a place to park.  I find a person who is leaving and turn on my turn signal and wait.  At that moment a woman in a SUV BACKS UP about 50 feet and says that it’s her spot.  She blocks the exiting car and almost hits mine in the process.  I couldn’t back up since there were cars in back of me.  Security came over and while they didn’t make the woman move, they told me they saw the whole thing and asked if I was OK, said the woman was wrong, etc…  If there are not “traffic rules” for spaces in a parking lot, at least there should be some sort of “ettiquette.”  I will not comment on the license plate on her SUV indicating the country of her citizenship.  Strangely enough, the whole ordeal only mildly annoyed me…

After finding a spot, I went inside the mall to Starbucks where I was jonesing for a Vivanno smoothie.  The barista said, “Sorry, but we just used the last banana and can’t make you one.”  THEN, J.C. Penny didn’t have any more of the 400 thread count sheets I had bought in Las Cruces.  I bought two sets and wanted to trade the icky light green ones for something more – well, suitable.

I left the mall, got my Vivanno smoothie at another Starbucks, and went to the health food store (I like to buy organic produce).  Traveled home, watched the DVD of “Shine,” and called it a day.

So, how was YOUR Sunday?