Aug11
Practice
Thirty-seven years ago wearing a simple white dress with a “Juliette” cap and veil I was married in a candlelight ceremony in the Roman Catholic church. It was a relatively small wedding, and my mother chose not to attend. A few years later I divorced. What did I know about “love” then? Well, not much. However, I often reflect on what I know of love now. The simple answer is – a little more, but not significantly more.
The evening I was married, the clouds were dark and it rained – much like the feeling of darkness from this photo of Shiprock. I realize now that I married for “some” of the wrong reasons. I wanted a sense of family, a home to truly call my own, and the false sense of security of “belonging.” God (and T.S.) forgive me, but I was young and naive.  I won’t go into details, but it all turned “ugly” eventually and ended in bad feelings and a subsequent divorce.  However, for a significant time I felt important, loved, and valued.
Fast forward from 1974 to 2009. Significant relationships, but none so far to the point where I’m willing to give up my identity. However, I still hold to the simple ideal of my late father that there is a “Jack for every Jenny.” And it doesn’t have to be a “Jack for Jenny”, it may be a “Jack for Jack” or a “Jenny for Jenny.” I truly believe that love knows no “boundaries.”
So, I’m “practicing.” I’ve had my heart trampled on a couple of times, and vice versa. Someday, somehow I hope that I’ll learn what “true love” really is and all that goes with it. Until then, I need to be patient, hope, and wait.
I place my trust into the hands of God…Â Â For once, don’t “read and run” – I could use a little “support.”
I don’t think hooking up legally with someone partly because you want a feeling of family, belonging, home and security are “the wrong reasons.”…..I also don’t think in a relationship that is going to work at all that you “give up my identity”….I believe I would look for companionship and throw “true love” out with the garbage….
I fully understand the being young and naive part. I think that now at the age I am I’m just starting to learn what it’s all about.
I agree with Terrie, you should NEVER have to give up your identity or change who you are to be in a relationship.
I thought that after my experiences last year that I’d not want to risk going through all of that again. But I let my heart remain open and someone who was a friend has become a lover and a friend. Hope springs eternal.
I think it’s only appropriate that my anti-spam word for this comment is “joy.”
You remind me that we alone are responsible for our happiness. One step at a time.
Hang in there: you are loved. You just have to believe it.
Having never married and almost turning 50, I often wonder “how did I get here”? I had my chances but they just never seemed like “the right thing to do at the time”. Regrets, yes definitely and I have my moments of tears that fall but somehow the next day or thereafter I found the strength to keep walking my path and trusting in the Man upstairs that He knows what He’s doing. Terrie was right when she talked about companionship vs. true love. For now in my life, it seems to be enough to have a companion that expects nothing in return. We share dinners and a nice/cheap bottle of wine and talk and sit and yet at times go for weeks without speaking to one another. Distant perhaps but it beats silly games that are played whenver so called “true love” masks nothing more than shallowness, insecurity or jealousy!
Most days, I don’t really believe there’s a “Jack for every Jill” (or any other permutation)… but it’s one belief I’d be happy to be proven wrong about. I try to remain open to the possibility of love but the odds seem so astronomical.
On the other hand, I’ve discovered friendship in unexpected places and perhaps that’s enough to get by.
Your reason for marrying are the same as many of us had. One thing I’ve learned over the years (and three marriages) is that, for me, true love is partly about passion and romance. But more importantly it is about mutual respect, shared values, being close but not dependent. Took me three tries to get it right! I think there are more than one “Jack” for every “Jill” and vice versa. The hard part is finding a way for your paths to cross.
I believe that there is NO definition for love. Love doesn’t just happen. It’s NOT just there for the taking. It’s sometimes not even recognizable. I didn’t marry for love. I married b/c I was 41 yrs. old…never been married. I met my husband and enjoyed his sense of humor and liked being around him. I can’t say I was ALL IN LOVE with him. I took a risk and knew it was going to be HARD work. It has been more than I bargained for. There have been 500 reasons I should have thrown him out in the wilderness to be eaten by the wolves, but I hung on. 6.5 years later, I can honestly say that I love my husband. It’s pretty damn strong right now. I compromised the values I was raised with. Meaning……I had to back off and meet him in the middle. I learned to stop being hard-headed and wanting him to convert to MY WORLD, MY THINKING……I learned to step into his world and thinking and respect him for those things that were unlike mine. Everyday is a new day and everyday I give up who I was raised as, give up my stubborness….and meet my man halfway……and everyday, I can say, “It’s all good.”
I wish I had all the answers, heck I would settle for just a good list of the questions. My marriage, like so many others, ended after 28 years. I’ve just recently gotten to the point where I don’t try to figure out what happened anymore. I learned from it, changed myself for the better and have tried to move on. I don’t figure to consciously blend my life with anyone else, anytime soon. So, if I marry again, it will have to sneak up on me.
I can tell that photography and writing are some of the loves in your life. I know they are not the same as a warm body next to you at night, or the someone next to you when you turn and say, “Wow, would you look at that sunset”. But they are loves, none-the-less. And that love you have for those two things comes through your blog. Hang in there and the sun will come out and burn away those clouds.
Funny that my spam word is “believe”….because I do believe first and foremost that it is time to trust your instincts and follow your heart.