Tuesday * September 30th 2014

Remembering My Daddy…

It’s Father’s Day – and always a bit sad for me…

Daddy

Will I ever get over missing you?

There aren’t a lot of photos remaining of my father.

However, in searching through “old photos,” this is probably the “best” one of my father. It is also the “image” in which I choose to remember him. It seems appropriate that he was in a camera store.

I suppose I was what is referred to as “daddy’s girl.” My father doted over me and gave me the “pet” name of Princess. I do have a memory of being on a “road trip” in the middle of the night, lying in the back of the family station wagon. The dashboard was illuminated with a soft glow as my father hummed along to country music from a distant radio station. As I drifted off to sleep, I remember feeling surrounded by an aura of safety. My father was there and he would always protect me.

Daddy loved roses…

Daddy's RoseMy late father loved roses – yellow roses to be exact.  The backyard of the house where I grew up in Indianapolis had rose bushes lined along the fence.  Now, whenever I see a yellow rose I think of my father.  The house I bought where I currently live  has a HUGE sprawling yellow rosebush in the backyard.

Yellow roses somehow validate his life and memory…

Although I know he wasn’t perfect, I “idolize” my father to this day – and still put him up on some imaginary pedestal.  I don’t remember much before he became ill after the doctors finding a malignant tumor in his groin area that eventually metastasized into his lungs.  Sadly, my clearest memories are of driving with him to Greenfield, Indiana for physical therapy.  We would play with kids who lived in a rambling house next to the facility and then would sometimes stop for “hot” donuts at a shop on the way home.

I remember him reading the Bible for hours on end with large tanks of oxygen flanking his bed as he grew worse.  Toward the end, I wondered how life would be without him.  In my childish way I was trying to prepare myself for a loss.  Strangely, shortly after I had “those thoughts” he passed away after being admitted to the hospital for the last time.

I was dumbstruck and horrified – thinking that my “evil thought” had killed my father.  Time passed and a couple of therapists later I learned about childhood “magical thinking,” and how children that are stressed attempt to control and understand a situation.  Still, I suffered.

My father meant everything to me. 

He believed in me and called me his “Princess.”  (Actually, he rarely called me by my real name preferring “Princess.”)

Images are powerful. For example, some people form an image of God as an old man with a flowing white beard sitting upon a throne. (Just for the record, I don’t.) I was nine when my father became ill, and thirteen when he passed away. I’ve never asked my brothers or sister, but it’s difficult for me to form an “image” of my father. Most of my visualizations of my father are of him ill and the environment despairing.

Sometimes, it’s distressing that I can no longer “construct” his face in my memory.

 photo treasurememory_zpsa845b51f.jpgEvery so often I think how I might be a different person if only he’d been around a “little longer” to guide, instruct, and most importantly “love” me.  I’ve had enough “therapy” to know that the loss affected me profoundly.  Issues of abandonment,  fear of trust, etc… were ignited with his illness and ultimate demise.  Time has passed and I hope I’ve transcended the negative issues of loss.

 

I remember – because I choose to remember. I’ll always :heart: you daddy…  

 

 

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12 Comments »Journal, Pondering Life, Spirituality

12 Replies to Desert Diva to “Remembering My Daddy…”

  1. Contessa CANADA says:

    No I don’t think you will ever get over missing him and nor should you. He is a part of you. He gave you his essence and you portrayed that so perfectly in this wonderful post.

    Love the photo of your Dad that you chose.
    Contessa´s last blog post ..LATE, Late, later

  2. What’s your dad’s name?

    My father told me about being nine and telling his mom I hope you die! Soon after, she did, from a burst appendix. He was 70 years old when he told me that story, and he cried. Magical thinking is powerful.

    I’m sorry for your loss. It will probably always be a loss.
    The Good Luck Duck´s last blog post ..Kitty City New Mexico

  3. Such beautiful tribute to your father always important people in our lives.
    George & Suzie´s last blog post ..Happy Father’s day, remembering Dad and having fun.

  4. Gaelyn says:

    I think it’s right to miss him. I miss my Mom and Dad also, yet lived a long and full life, so I can accept their death. As a child I would have been devastated. I’ve not heard of “magical thinking” before, but I feel what it means. As adults we can change our childhood stories. Therapy has always helped me better understand my inner child.

    Hugs to you, strong woman. Never forget or stop missing.
    Gaelyn´s last blog post ..Foto Friday Fun 11

    • Desert Diva UNITED STATES says:

      Aw thanks Gaelyn. It’s hard to lose a parent in childhood. I lost my mother as an adult, and don’t feel about the loss in the same way as I do my father. It’s like I was cheated in the time I got to spend with him.

      I’ve done “lots and lots” of work to change my childhood story – I think I’ve made good progress through the years but some issue will always remain. I think the key is not to let “issues” rule your life…

  5. What a beautiful post and what a beautiful memory. Wouldn’t be wonderful if we could, in the present, just see our loved ones ONE MORE TIME to tell them how much they’ve continued to live in our lives? Oh, what I would give for that chance.
    mary-pat sherman´s last blog post ..Happy Father’s Day!

  6. Donna K UNITED STATES says:

    I can so relate to your special relationship with your Dad. I was the youngest (a late life child) and was the apple of my daddy’s eye (as told to me by my siblings LOL! I was lucky to have my Dad until I was 38 years old but it hurt all the same when he passed. I am so sorry you had to lose yours at such a tender age. We will never get over missing them, but I truly believe they are watching over us until we meet again.
    Donna K´s last blog post ..Hey Dad, It’s Donna!

    • Desert Diva UNITED STATES says:

      Hi Donna,

      Thank you for replying and your kind words. I miss my dad more that I can say – I wonder what his influence would have had on me if he were alive as I grew older. I hope and pray he is watching over me – sometimes I do feel that…

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