Saturday * June 24th 2017

Dear Cali…

calisunset

Everything hurts…

Sometimes, my dear girl everything seems to hurt.  There’s an ache in my heart and sometimes I have to stop and catch my breath.  All I can think about is that now you’re gone, and if there hasn’t been a “group burial” yet you’re in a freezer waiting.  I’m so sorry as I never wanted it all to end that way.

However, if I’m honest you were beginning to suffer.  I swore that I would never allow you to be in extreme discomfort and/or pain.  I couldn’t/wouldn’t let you waste away as a shadow of your former happy-go-lucky self.  I keep thinking if we hadn’t gone to Mexico and I stayed a home with you, you’d still be with me.  However, in my heart I know we were just “buying time.”

I’m so angry…

I’m angry at you that you left me, and I’m angry at myself that I couldn’t help you.  Believe me, if the good days had outweighed the bad you’d still be by my side.

Tonight here at the RV park I gave the rest of your RX food to “Howard” – an 18 year old dog who’s also struggling in his last days.  Your little “Pendleton” coat, brushes and combs, and dog dishes also went to this geriatric canine.   I told the couple from British Columbia that it was a gift from you.  I think it was the right thing to do.

Faith?

I have none.  I’d give anything to have you at home with me – following me from room-to-room.  I try to keep up a somewhat normal routine, but there’s no longer any joy in my life since you left.  I’m so very sorry I couldn’t save you…

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5 Comments »Journal

5 Replies to Desert Diva to “Dear Cali…”

  1. Emjay says:

    How sad. Life’s difficult journey ends with this sorrowful feeling that we could have, should have done more, but there is this lonely stillness we can’t cross. You did all you could and you honored Cali with your devotion and love. Just know that you really aren’t alone in your sad heart. I am so sorry.

  2. You are going through the Emotional Roller Coaster I mentioned the other day. It happens to everyone that loses someone they deeply care about. Second guessing yourself will not help. You could have been Home or on an Exotic Vacation the outcome would have been the same. It was time and we’ll all get there one day.
    By sharing Cali’s possessions you are sharing your love. Be patient with yourself as everyone’s healing is different. Spirits of Deceased tend to hang around places they loved before moving on so you are not alone.
    Be Safe!

  3. Luz says:

    Guilt! I remember my guilt when Chulo died. It tormented me that I even so much as had a conversation with a dog whisperer if you will. I sent her a photo of Chulo and a few days later we had our conversation. I won’t go into all the details but she did assure me there was nothing different I could’ve done that would’ve changed Chulo’s exit from this world. Honestly, I didn’t even get to say goodbye to him as I had left him at the vet’s office and was told I could return in the morning to check on him. She even told me that sometimes animals take on different forms of another life. That night there was something clawing on my window and in the darkness I went out and it was little bird who had fallen from his nest. I managed to get him away from the window and back onto the tree where he would be safe again. Walking away, it hit me that it might have been Chulo. I sat under the tree with tears flowing. Your friend Rick is right -the deceased do tend to hang around. So know that Cali is right there with you but just not in a way that we mortals can see. Back then, I couldn’t imagine my life without my beloved Chulo and I still miss him dearly but I take comfort in knowing that we will see each other again. I gave away most of his things as well to a shelter but hung to a few things of his and his ashes are here in his room that now Cosmo shares. I told my niece that when I die I want our ashes to be scattered together. As for Faith-yeah I can understand not having much of that. I battle with that daily but for other reasons. Take care of you Cheryl–it’s what Cali would want in her love for you.
    Luz´s last blog post ..Bonovox

  4. Stephany Smith UNITED STATES says:

    I am sorry to hear about Cali. She was definately your heart dog. I lost my heart dog seven years ago and I still break down sometimes. I probably always will. Take care,

  5. Contessa says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss and for your pain. I have no words that will be of help. Just know that I care.

    Much love and a billions hugs,

    Contessa

    PS was there a post previsous to this about Cali that I missed?

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